Reflection & Acceptance

Over the last few weeks we have been under constant rain. I don’t know about you but I know I am someone who does get effected by the weather. Plus, once again, having the inability to be able to go out & be active, it’s been a lot easier for me to get lost in my thoughts. If you are someone who deals with mental illness, specifically depression, then you understand it is not a good sign when your thoughts start taking over. Last month I talked about how my depression has not been something I’ve been struggling with. I was in a great mental state. Well, within the last two weeks, I’ve been in this fog like state, forgetting things, feeling low or just blah & in a constant state of fatigue but unable to sleep. Heck, 4 hours of straight sleep I would be happy with.

I will admit, at first I was linking this just to the weather and yes I do believe the weather is not helping, however, until yesterday, I didn’t realize what the real trigger is.

On July 17, 2019, I went through my last chemotherapy treatment. As much as I wanted to celebrate, at that point in my treatment my body was done fighting. I couldn’t look in the mirror and see a fighter… I didn’t see a strong, beautiful, capable woman who can & will survive and thrive like I see now.

At this time I was a newly single mom of 4 boys and relied heavily on my family to help me survive & get through. In a lot of ways I was starting over, not only in the outside world but more importantly inside. I did not know who I was outside of being a spouse & a mother. What got me through my cancer battle was picturing what my life was going to be. However, I had a long way to go from where I was to where I wanted to be, especially internally. I knew I had to work internally before I would be able to focus on my goals & begin creating the life I want.

As I was struggling through this, the pandemic in 2020 began & to be honest, I believe this was exactly what I needed. It forced me to deal with my trauma, figure out who I am and want to be and do so without outside influence. I was able to first off show myself that I can do it on my own. I am capable of being single & independent. Next, I was able to discover & love who I am. I learned how to forgive myself & those who hurt me along the way with love & acceptance.

Then, in August 2020, as I was feeling on top of the world & proud of how far I came within one year, I got knocked down a couple pegs being told for the second year in a row that there was cancerous activity found, this time in my thymus gland. Anyone who has ever had to hear that C word, you understand how fast the world around you is forever changed, even if this was not your first time hearing it.

Thankfully, all I needed to do at this time was remove my thymus gland. Though I went through the worse pain in my life the first 24 hours, yes even worse than child birth, I was able to recover quickly and get back on track which leads me to where I am today.

So, what is the point of me telling you all of this. Being someone who has always been able to self reflect which helps me make connections to why things happen. For next 20 years at least, this time of year is going to be my annual exam to make sure I am still cancer free. I remember going into my exam last year confident I was going to get a clean slate. So now I have this deep seated fear of it happening again. Instead of allowing myself to feel this and get through the process I need to go through, I’ve been fighting it by focusing on the symptoms from my body telling me it’s scared.

I have to allow myself to be scared. I have to go through the emotions which I know is going to lead me to where I will get to acceptance. Once I am there, I will know everything will work out no matter what my next results say. I am capable of anything I set my mind to and I will reach all of my goals, when it’s my time to do so. Until then, I will focus on what I can do today to stay healthy & be happy.