Healing After Divorce to Move On
As I sit here on Valentine’s Day, I can’t help but think of where I was 2 years ago…. at the hospital getting my first chemotherapy treatment for Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Cancer… by myself. As I was sitting their all by myself, doing what I had to fight for my life and seeing other cancer patients with their spouse or family member, I couldn’t help but feel so alone, which was a feeling I had gotten use to, in spite of being married and raising a family of 6 children. I sat there that day knowing that I had to make changes in my life or I was going to end up killing myself. I needed to beat this cancer for my 4 boys. I needed to make decisions to ensure that we never go through this again. When I came home that day after being pumped with chemicals for 6 hours and saw what my life had become, I made the decision that would forever change my family’s life.
A month later… I told my husband I wanted a divorce.
On October 3, 2019, my husband of 11 years and I finalized our divorce. We divided up our assets, which were basically just household items & a car, decided who was paying what for bills that were still owed since we always lived paycheck to paycheck and we created a schedule for our 2 boys that we had together, who at the time were 2 and 11.
I remember being so excited and I was looking forward to that day since I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I had just finished of chemotherapy & radiation treatments the month before and I went in to court that day ready to start the next chapter of my life. Ready to be “FREE”!
Little did I realize that when I was home later on that night, laying in bed by myself, the pain that crept up on me. It felt like a death. In that moment, I felt like I lost everything I had known the past 13 years. I felt so confused, hurt and lost.
For the first time in my life, I am going to be creating a life without a man by my side. For the first time in my life, I am on my own & have to figure out how to balance being a single work at home mom by myself. I will admit, the last few years of my marriage I felt like I was a single parent all ready. However, having him as a “safety net” I guess you would call it, provided comfort. I wouldn’t have that anymore. If things went awry, it was because of the decisions I made. As much as I looked forwarded to not having to clean up someone else’s bad choices, it scared the crap out of me that I didn’t have someone there to help clean up any mess I made.
I mourned losing the life I had envisioned for us that day I said “I Do”. I mourned over my step children never speaking to me because I was the one who ripped up their family. I mourned the loss of the life I so desperately tried to hold on to for years. I was so hurt that I got to the point that I stated things like I would never get married again or I would never open my heart again.
Today, two years later since I made that life-altering decision, I will have to say, I am finally ready to move on. I finally feel ready to open my heart to someone new. I guess what they say is true… time heals all wounds.
In many ways this scares the shit out of me. For a while I just didn’t trust my decision making skills when it came to men. My whole dating history has been me ignoring & making excuses for red flags. Being cheated on & abused and allowing it. For some reason, I remember feeling like I could not go through life without a man.
These last two years I really focused on myself, my boys and creating a life for us that provides them stability, laughter and happy memories. I proved to myself that I am capable of going through life without a man. I know what I want my life to be. I know what I want in a partner. If and when he decides to enter my life, I will be ready to open my heart up again as a confident, strong, happy woman rather than the scared little girl I use to be. I’ve been through hell & back to get to where I am today and I’ll be damn I will allow my insecurities make the choices I make.
Right now, I am at peace with where I am at in my life. As always, my boys are my main priority and focus. I will continue to work hard to provide for them stability, security and a home full of laughter, happiness and love. I will continue on & trust in the path that God has planned out for me with an open, loving, happy heart.
How did you get to a point of being able to move on after a divorce?
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