May 20, 2018

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is a mood disorder that “causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating or working.” Since I was a young girl, I’ve battled with depression with low points that have gotten so bad that I had suicidal thoughts. Honestly, even those closet to me, don’t know this, even to this day. Why? Because I suck it up, go about my day & put a smile on my face. When people see me, they see a laid back, cheerful, caring wife & mother. What they don’t see is a broken woman who thinks she is not good enough for love, happiness & success.

As a mom, I have learned even more so, to push through my depression & get through my day. I am the center of my family of 8. On my bad days, I literally have to force myself get up and do my best to just focus on what I need to get done that day. Sometimes this helps me “snap out” of my depression episode while other times it feels like it gets worse.

I know my depression directly affects all aspects of my life- family, friends, business, etc. No matter how hard I try to just suck it up, there is only so much I am able to push under the rug. This is no way to live life. I know intellectually I am a hard working, dedicated & loving person who deserves to be loved, to be happy & to be successful. However, when I look in the mirror, I don’t feel it. Instead of seeing all the good that I do & offer, I will dwell on the negative.

When I talk about my depression, many times people don’t understand how I could be depressed. On the outside it looks like I have a wonderful life. The thing is they are not wrong. I do have a wonderful life. I have a hardworking husband who loves me deeply & tells me everyday I am beautiful, great kids who have big, beautiful hearts, a business that I love & truly do enjoy and a home where I am able to provide security & love to my family. I can’t explain why I didn’t feel like I was deserving of this amazing life but it was I how I felt. Then, one day, as i was crying myself to sleep, I decided that I had enough. I did not want to continue to live like that. So, I spoke to my husband so he was aware of what was going on with me & why I was going to go & get help.

For the last 3 months I have been going to weekly therapy & have been prescribed antidepressants. I now have more good days then bad and I am learning how to cope & work through the bad. Depression is not a disease you can cure. it is an everyday battle for as long as I live. However, I have learned that I can win this battle & truly enjoy my amazing life. On top of being able to enjoy it, I now am beginning to feel like I am worth this amazing life.

To learn more about depression & how to get help, go to Anxiety & Depression Association of America at www.adaa.org.

If you or someone you love is in a suicidal crisis or emotional distress, you can call the confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

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